


I’m Falling Apart, I’m Barely Breathing (Barely Holding on to You)

by Irissswests



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 3x10 Speculation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mention of character death in the future, angst angst and more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9074665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irissswests/pseuds/Irissswests
Summary: "She glances down at the ground, away from him; she doesn’t want to see the guilt and pain in his eyes because all she can hear is the word murder.
Murder. Murder. Murder.
I saw Savitar murder you."
3x10 speculation. A continuation of what I want to see in the scene where Barry tells Iris about seeing her murdered in the future. Angst.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My 3x10 speculation of how the scene were Barry tells Iris about seeing her murdered in the future goes down. Mostly focuses on how Iris reacts. Of course this most likely won't happen, but that's okay.  
> This is super angsty, even for more, but oddly it was easy to write. 
> 
> Title taken from the song Broken by Lifehouse.

_I saw Savitar murder you._

He’s leaning against the wall and she notes the way his voice slightly trembles and she can tell he’s trying to be strong for her. And God, this wasn’t at all what she was expecting when she thought he was hiding something from her. She glances down at the ground, away from him; she doesn’t want to see the guilt and pain in his eyes because all she can hear is the word murder.

_Murder. Murder. Murder._

_I saw Savitar murder you._

The words go round and round in her head and she still can’t quite make sense of them. Why - how? It’s impossible. They got rid of Savitar, they defeated the bad guy, she had said so to Barry during their small Christmas party. And she thinks of the way he had seemed out of it and she realizes he knew then, he knew and that’s why he was acting the way he was.

She wants to tell him that he’s crazy, that there’s no way in hell what he saw was real. That they are safe. That’s she’s safe. But one look at his face tells her that he’s telling the truth, that he’s absolutely serious. Of course he is. Barry wouldn’t lie to her about something like this. There’s helplessness and heartbreak in his eyes and she knows this is real.

_Oh god._

_I’m going to die._

And that’s when the tears fill her eyes and she tries desperately not to let them escape. At her sides she can feel her hands shaking and she clasps them together tightly in front of her in attempt to hide it from Barry. She doesn’t know why she’s trying to hold it together right now, she knows she doesn’t have to be strong she knows Barry won’t mind. And it’s not that, really, it’s that she’s afraid to fall apart. She’s afraid that if she does, if she lets the first tear go she won’t be able to stop, that she won’t recover. And she has to. She has to get past this and think about the future. And that’s fucking difficult when all she can think about is the fact that she dies she doesn’t even know-

“Iris,” his voice breaks through her thoughts and she raises her eyes to his. He steps forward towards her away from the wall. And she realizes that she’s been silent for a while and he’s waiting for her to say something, anything.

“Wh-when?”

His green eyes are begging her not to ask any more questions, begging her not to make him say it. But she needs to know. Needs to know how long she has before she- no, not going there yet. She doesn’t even want to think it.

“Iris,” he tries again, this time pleading with her.

“Barry, please,” her voice cracks in desperation. “How long until it happens?” she can’t keep the tears out of her voice, but she at least manages not to stutter, to sound a little stronger than she’s feeling. She doesn’t want to be affected by this, but she is. She’s fucking terrified. And the words are out before she can stop them, because he never told her when. Just that Savitar murders her. Maybe not knowing would be better that way she wouldn’t have an expiration date looming over her.

His eyes cut to hers again in one last attempt to see if she’ll take it back. But she won’t.

“Five months.”

And then before she can even really let that sink in he starts telling her everything and she’s not sure if he wants to or if it’s all spilling out without his permission. But he tells her how he was too slow to save her, how her last words were his name and that she loved him.

He’s still talking or at least she thinks he is but right now she’s not really sure because there’s a loud roaring in her ears and now it’s not just her hands that are trembling. She’s going to die. In five months. That’s all the time she has. That’s not even half a year. That’s-that’s in May. She’s going to die in May. Why do bad things always happen in May? That was when Eddie and Ronnie died, that was when Henry was murdered. And now she’s going to be added to list.

She’s going to die.

But she’s not ready. How can she be? How can she possibly accept that in five months she’s going to be murdered by an evil speedster? She’s too young, she’s only 27 and there’s still so much she wants to do. She’s just getting started with journalism. There’s so much more for her to learn and write. So many stories out there just waiting for her to find. And she wants to do it all. Then there’s Barry. They’ve only just started there’s so much more she wants to experience with him. Wait. May? She won’t even make to their one-year anniversary. She’s only had a year with Wally, she needs more time with her brother, she needs to be there for him as he transitions into being a speedster. She’s not ready.

Her chest hurts at the thought and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Because all she’s thinking about is dying, about being stabbed through the heart. And oh god, murdered right in front of Barry. There’s not a damn thing she can do about it and neither can Barry.

_I’m going to die._

Gentle hands and long fingers frame her face and she hears her name being spoken in a low tone, but it’s fuzzy and garbled like she’s underwater.

_I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die. Please, I don’t wanna die._

And she’s squeezing her eyes shut and shaking her head back and forth to the words in her head.

“Iris, honey, look at me. I’m right here, I’m right here, just please look at me.”

_Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to die? I don’t wanna die._

“C'mon baby look at me, open your eyes, do it for me. Please, Iris.”

There’s something about the franticness and fear and desperateness in his voice that somehow breaks through to her. And she can hear him clearly now, but she’s still not all there. She’s struggling to get air to her lungs, but now she can feel his hands on her face, the way his thumbs are rubbing along her cheekbones.

“Look at me.”

Her eyes snap open and she looks up at him and he looks scared, just like she is. His eyes are wide and he lets out a small sigh of relief. And just like that, somehow just her opening her eyes calms him down.

“That’s it. Just keep your eyes on me. Now, breathe, Iris. Just like this,” his voice is slow and steady and he takes a deep breath to help her out.

Inhale. Exhale.

She breathes with him never once breaking his gaze.

“Just like that. Good.” He’s encouraging her and that low rumble of his voice calms her, just like it always has. And the pain in her chest is lessening and she knows she isn’t in this alone. He’s right next to her and even if he’s terrified too he’s being brave for her, he’s pushing away his own fear to help her and she’s grateful for that because she doesn’t think she can be the strong one right now, she just doesn’t have it in her.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

He’s still talking her through it and she’s not listening to his words just the sound of his voice and after a few more deep breaths she thinks she has it under control. Sighing she gives him a slight nod telling him that’s she’s good, or at least as good as she can be given the circumstances.

Opening her eyes as she feels his fingers slip to the back of her neck and he tilts her head up ever so slightly. And there’s something in his eyes that hold her in place and she knows he’s about to say something and he needs her to listen.

“I swear I will protect you. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. _Nothing._ Now that I know what happens I can stop it. _We_ can stop it. You’re not going to die, Iris. I won’t let you.”

The fierceness behind his words takes her breath away. And she knows, knows that he is completely serious, and he means everything he’s saying and he believes it too. He’s going to save her. And God, does she want that to be true. She wants nothing more than for Barry to save her, to protect her. But if she’s learned anything in the past couple of years it’s that you can’t promise anything.

It’s supposed to be reassuring and if she were thinking clearly she believes that it would reassure her. But right now it doesn’t. She doesn’t want his false promises, even if he believes he’s telling the truth. She doesn’t want to build up hope only for it to be taken from her, only for her to die anyway. She can’t, she can’t do that. She won’t.

“H-how can you promise that?” she asks suddenly backing away from him. And she knows this is the fear and helplessness talking. “You- you can’t say that. You don’t know if you can save me. So please, _please_ , don’t promise me that you will. I don’t think I can take that.”

He’s looking at her with pleading eyes and she knows they are both falling apart and her heart is breaking in her chest and so is his. And all she’s trying to do is hold herself together. Hoping and praying that maybe, maybe this is just some fucked up dream and that she’ll wake up in bed with Barry and everything will be _fine._

She wraps her arms around her middle like she can keep herself together this way. And for a moment she feels like she’s the only one who can protect herself. No one else can.

“You didn’t save me. What makes you think you can change that now?”

The minute the words leave her mouth she regrets it. She hates herself for putting that wounded, devastated look on his face. Because she knows how much guilt he carries on his shoulders and how much this is already weighing on him and it hasn’t even happened yet. Her apology is caught in her throat because she can’t believe she just said that. It wasn’t her. She would never throw that in his face like that.

“ _Iris_ ,” his voice cracks and he’s trying to keep the betrayal out of his voice, but it’s there. And it’s her fault.

Her chin wobbles and finally the tears spill over. “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head and her vision blurs. “I don’t wanna die.” It comes out as a broken whisper. “I don’t wanna die, Barry. I’m scared. I don’t wanna-”

They reach for each other at the same time and he brings her into his chest, arms wrapped securely around her one hand on the back of her head keeping her pressed against his chest. She clings to him holding on for dear life. Her knees are knocking together and he’s holding her up, keeping her steady, keeping her from falling to the ground. The sobs bubble their way up her throat before escaping through her lips, loud in the silence of the room. And she cries. She cries for herself and for Barry and for her life. And he holds her; he kisses her hair and rubs her back, whispering calming words to her that she can’t quite make out. She swears she feels his own tears occasionally dropping on her head, but she can’t be sure.

“You’re not going to die. I’ll die before I let that happen,” he tells her with absolute conviction.

_Don’t say that. Don’t fucking say that._

She wants to scream at him to never say something like that because she knows him, knows he would sacrifice himself for her, he would give up his life for her. And deep down she would do the same. But the right now the thought Barry dying is just as scary as being murdered. She tightens her grip on the fabric of his suit, painfully, but she welcomes it.

When her crying finally stops she’s left feeling utterly exhausted and with a pounding headache. At this point Barry is supporting almost all of her weight and she’s leaning on him heavily, unable to keep herself standing. She’s just so fucking tired.

Lacking the energy to even lift her head up she mumbles into his chest, “take me home. I just want to go home.”

“Okay,” he says kissing the top of her head. “But we are going to figure this out. Tomorrow we’ll tell everyone and together we’ll find a way to save you. Because I’m not giving up, I’m not going to wait for it to happen. You are not dying. You and me we’ll figure this out. Okay?”

“Okay,” she agrees.

And maybe she agrees because she believes him or maybe she’s doesn’t give a shit anymore and will say anything to get the hell out of here.

Quickly Barry scoops her up in his arms and she barely has any time to link her arms around his neck before he runs them home. He sets her down in the bedroom and she wobbles in place, but miraculously she doesn’t fall over as he goes to lock the door and make sure everything is turned off for the night.

She’s still where he left her when he returns, having no energy to even try and move. She’s staring at the bed. _Their_ bed. All she can think is that she only has five months left of this, of living with him, of sharing a bed, sharing a life with him. She wants more. More time. They’ve already missed out on so much because of bad timing. And now that they are finally here, living together she’s not ready to give it up yet.

He places his hands on her shoulders and squeezes gently saying her name. She doesn’t acknowledge him and she’s barely aware of what’s happening as he slides the zipper of her dress down. There’s absolutely nothing sexual about it, she knows he’s not thinking about that as he undresses her, he’s taking care of her. Though she thinks back to earlier tonight when they were getting ready and he couldn’t keep his hands off her and he promised that when they got home he would be taking that dress off her. And now she wishes that were the case. But instead he’s helping her change because she doesn’t think she could even try to do it herself. Her hands are still shaking and her limbs feel heavy. She lets him move her around so he can help her slip into one of his plaid button downs. There’s something so tender about him buttoning up the shirt that it brings tears to her eyes. She loves this man with her whole heart and she doesn’t want to leave him.

He finishes with a soft kiss to her forehead and then he leads her to her side of the bed helping her get under the sheets and he tucks her in before changing himself. Once he gets in he pulls the covers over both of them and she scoots as close to him as possible. Burying her face in the crook of his neck, sliding one leg between his and placing one hand over his heart. She’s pressed completely against him.

She feels so lost and helpless like she’s in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight, like she’s about to drown and he’s the only thing keeping her afloat. He’s what’s holding her together, what little part of her heart that hasn’t already shattered.

“I love you, Iris.”

She doesn’t say anything, just squeezes him tighter and burrows a little closer. Even in the cocoon of blankets and wrapped securely in Barry’s arms she doesn’t feel as safe as she usually does. Usually she feels like nothing can touch her, like she’s invincible in his arms. But now she feels uncertainty in the air and she can feel the danger lurking and she’s not sure if his arms can keep her safe anymore.

_I saw Savitar murder you._

_I don’t wanna die._


End file.
